Social Media Addiction / Or Just a Person with a heart buried by grief?

I feel like absolute shit today. It’s not really the cold, more just being absolutely desperate to do shit for Palestine and being unable to do so.

Some days I’m kind of able to put things aside and be focused on RFP and working out and silly little things in the U.S. – being motivated to have healthy habits, eat well, exercise, do what I can, and other days I really just cannot be bothered. Today is definitely one of those latter days.

I think if I had the opportunity to go on one of the Sumud flotillas I would do it. I would certainly think very strongly about it. I don’t know how I would pay rent while doing it, if it would mean being away from work for a while, but I really feel like I would do it. 

The days that I find myself just feeling immense grief for Palestine and unable to really function or focus on anything other than that.

I think my therapist would say that feelings like those are valid, and that the healthiest way to process them is to make space for them. Which is really hard. For many reasons, including that family members of mine are extremely reluctant to hear me having strong negative emotions, especially about Palestine. 

Feelings in and around my body:

• Not wanting to work

• Not wanting to eat

• Nervous about spending money

• Stuck in bed scrolling on Twitter, watching the Grayzone, watching Zohran make capitulations for no reason at all

• Lightheaded

• Can’t focus, can’t get myself off of screens

I was really hoping to have a Healthy Productive day today but I’m seeing that maybe that was kind of unrealistic.

At various times in my life, I’ve studied journalism and I’ve thought about it many times as a career. I don’t think I’m addicted to social media. I just follow international politics pretty closely and I also have a heart, so I follow the news surrounding the genocide in Gaza particularly closely.

In another world, and maybe even in this world if the circumstances allow, I would be a journalist. In many ways it would make sense as a career for me. So it might be perfectly healthy things that are coming through as I lay in bed scrolling on twitter.

Obviously there is mass gaslighting in our society that tells us that if you are heartbroken and depressed about what is happening in Gaza there is SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU. And that is obviously false, and the product of this diseased capitalist-colonialist society that we live in. But that idea can still kind of live in my head.

I do really hate scrolling on social media in bed. Idk. Maybe I can find better outlets.