RedOvechkin1917

I think yeshiva was a really happy time for me. Maybe one of the happiest and most meaningful years of my life. I think that the year spent hitchhiking, eating hummus, immersing myself in Jewish community, ritual and prayer -- and just the freedom of exploration -- gave me a high that I've been chasing ever since. Even as I recognize the evils of Israel, Zionism and the IDF -- I don't think I've ever felt so free and alive as I felt that year in yeshiva. In my year in yeshiva, I was very uncomfortable with the institution's relationship to Zionism, religious Zionism, and the IDF. I'll get to all that stuff, but recently my therapist has been encouraging me to sit with the pleasant memories from that year. Asking me, as he always does, how it felt in my body. Relaxation. Sunshine. Hitchhiking. Hitchhiking to get hummus with friends on Fridays. Then taking a small hike, hitchhiking back to the yeshiva in time for Friday night kabbalat shabbat prayers. Where the melodi...

I went to Big Sur this weekend with Eva. When I was there, my friend Moshe came by and related the following dream which he had: "I stand in the creek with the water up to my knees. I make a bow and arrow motion with my arms -- I hold my left arm out front to hold the bow, pull my right arm back and let it go, releasing the imaginary arrow into the bushes on the other side of the creek. "My depression would be gone in an instant if I could join a military force capable of taking down the IDF," Moshe told me. We both laugh. It's a joke, but only kind of. We both know he's pretty capable physically, but when it comes to most things, the truth is he usually doesn't give a fuck. Who cares about running a 5K when his tax dollars are funding a genocide? He reserves his strength for the things he gives a shit about, but if someone random asks him, he'll just say he has depression and spare them the whole story. ** I try to to explain to my Dad: my depression is ...

I feel like absolute shit today. It’s not really the cold, more just being absolutely desperate to do shit for Palestine and being unable to do so. Some days I’m kind of able to put things aside and be focused on RFP and working out and silly little things in the U.S. – being motivated to have healthy habits, eat well, exercise, do what I can, and other days I really just cannot be bothered. Today is definitely one of those latter days. I think if I had the opportunity to go on one of the Sumud flotillas I would do it. I would certainly think very strongly about it. I don’t know how I would pay rent while doing it, if it would mean being away from work for a while, but I really feel like I would do it.  The days that I find myself just feeling immense grief for Palestine and unable to really function or focus on anything other than that. I think my therapist would say that feelings like those are valid, and that the healthiest way to process them is to make space for them. Which is...