Where has my guiding vision gone?

 I’m just thinking about how since graduating college I’ve had no fucking idea what to do with myself. 

Like when I was in elementary school I really enjoyed recess. And in high school I liked school itself. At Yale, I mainly enjoyed fixing bikes at the bike co-op. And then I was really looking forward to getting away from school, and I really enjoyed my time off – fixing bikes, working at a bakery, working at Wolf Creek.

But since graduating college and looking for more stable employment I’ve just been at a total fucking loss.

Between New York City single and San Francisco with Eva, San Francisco seemed like the obvious choice. What the fuck I’d do for work was beyond me and continues to be beyond me. 

I just have no fucking vision of what to do with myself. Try to do some Weather Underground shit in solidarity with Palestine. Honestly sort of tempting except even just doing minor graffiti in my neighborhood scares the shit out of me, and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in jail. I’ll join a BDS canvas in my neighborhood, join a rally – I’d take on a security role at a rally. But I haven’t been willing to take risks beyond that. 

I tell people that I’m willing to do something as risky as riding my motorcycle around my neighborhood. Small chance I’ll get some kind of injury but in all likelihood I’ll get to where I want to go and accomplish what I want to accomplish. I can’t really say the same thing for heroic stunts for Palestine, much as I wish I were braver and much as I wish I were more capable of influencing global events.

I’m just so lost and don’t know what to do with myself. Some Aaron Bushnell type shit? Some Weather Underground type shit? Some Che Guevara type shit? I’m just so fucking lost. 

I can afford to work part-time. Less than that feels like shit and is terrifying in its own way. More than that and I go crazy.

I’m just so lost and confused.

After college I felt all this pressure to find full-time work. I found a job at a legal non-profit helping undocumented folks from Latin America apply for legal status. But the office was a mess, and I quit after 5 weeks. I quit a few days after October 7. I was too traumatized by everything and felt very strongly that I should be doing activism for Palestine.

But even though I have some financial cushion it’s not so much that I can afford to not work at all, and I generally feel much better when I am working part-time.

In past periods of my life I’ve felt called very strongly in one direction or another. In school, towards being a good student. In college, towards ditching class, fixing bikes, and baking.

But I don’t feel like I have that same guiding vision for myself these days. Everything is so expensive that it feels like you need to be making six figures just to comfortably afford to eat one meal out and not stress about it. But the industries that I would want to work in do not pay that well at all. And I can’t stand working more than like 15 hours a week anyway. I need time to fucking sleep. And do my laundry. And just fucking exist.

So I’m just at a fucking loss. I feel like I would be happier living in a different neighborhood. But moving is expensive and challenging and finding a decent place is really hard.

I want to work more hours than I’m currently working, but I don’t want to be given random busy work. I also thrive on being in the physical presence of others, but my job is largely remote currently. 

I’m just lost, and I feel like I’ve lost my north star. I used to have it and now it feels like it’s gone. What’s happened?