Feeling blessed today / pessimism proved wrong

Today I rode my bike from my apartment in the Inner Sunset, down to city hall, where I spent the afternoon in Jackie Fielder's office. I will never again have to ride my bike west and uphill into the fog of the sunset, which was always a miserable ride. I'm really grateful for the new apartment Eva and I found in the mission and it honestly feels like a dream come true. I'm so happy that I'll never have to make the horrible, 2.5 mile westward bike ride again, except for a good reason.

In the meantime, I'm hoping maybe more dreams can come true. I feel like I have a pretty depressive/agnostic attitude towards the world. So many bad things can happen, and who knows when they will happen to you. Things can always get worse, and so much worse.

At the same time, this apartment feels like such a blessing. And a lot of other things in my life feel like blessings, too. So even though I can be so pessimistic about certain things in my personal life. The thing I am most pessimistic about generally is job-related stuff. I have a really hard time imagining that I will ever find a job that will pay me adequately and which I will enjoy. Surviving under capitalism seems terrible. Some people seem happier to live in an office, go to law school work a 9-5, and just not think too much about it. Some people have no choice but to work backbreaking manual labor jobs. I want some magical third thing where I get to be active and on my feet, but able to sit when I need to sit. Where I get to sleep as my body needs. Where I get to take breaks as I need. Where I can advocate for social justice, and actually have the power to bring those demands to fruition (I'm tired of going to rallies, I'm tired of signing petitions, I'm tired of giving to charity).

I want a job that makes me feel sexy and strong. That was a major part of why I used to enjoy fixing bikes. And also because it was an opportunity to create positive social change and advocate for social justice, in a small but achievable way.

I'm at a fucking loss. I think at some point the pressure to be fully supporting myself financially, as well as the guilt from having a trust fund, became crippling in its own right, world events aside. These days I feel less guilt about relying on the trust fund as I do activism and seek to find my own path to a job that pays well and allows me to advocate for social justice. These days I'm less guilty about the money and more stressed about possibly running out of it at some point. Being stressed about running out of money has replaced the guilt about having it. Overall, I think that's a healthy change, but really what I want eventually is a decent job, if that exists. Or working part-time on labor organizing stuff and being there for Eva to support her career. That seems like a reasonably plausible option. Or moving to the jungle in Chiapas. Who fucking knows.

I feel confident that: 

1) some times the universe throws blessings at you unexpectedly

2) there is often work that the universe asks or demands of you to do, and it's not always easy to figure out which things to prioritize when. for the past year or so I have been trying to find something like employment, but that is not always the plan the universe has for you.

3) I have good instincts about certain things, but there are some things that Eva's instincts are better than mine are. I'm always super pessimistic about things close to my personal life and Eva's instincts are more optimistic and she usually turns out to be right. I'm a better driver than she is and I'm better at decluttering the house. She's better at predicting that the apocalypse still does not seem to be coming, at least in our corner of San Francisco. And she's confident that I'll find my way and find a job that I like, eventually.

4) If I have to borrow money in order to pay rent this month or any upcoming month I will be very embarrassed, ashamed and stressed.