Rethinking depression / am I depressed or just changing?

 

This is a picture of me in Mexico City that Eva took. I actually just got an iphone, but for a long time I didn't use a smartphone. Because ... fuck efficiency, fuck apple, fuck capitalism, fuck the system, etc. 
Anyway, here are some random other scattered thoughts I've been having. Challenging some of my own internal narratives about depression.
I think I’ve really been feeling like a failure and really depressed
over the past year or so because a lot of the things
that many folks rely on for feeling good about themselves I don’t
really do. I’ve been mostly unemployed,
haven’t been exercising much at all, have completely lost interest
in cooking myself meals from scratch which
I used to really enjoy, and have abandoned a lot of my hobbies.At the same time, I want to challenge that notion that this
somehow makes me a failure, because the truth is that
I’ve simply abandoned a lot of things that have become no longer worth
it for me, and that may be perfectly valid
and accurate as an assessment.
Like exercise. Many people associate exercise with being healthy.
But I have a really fast metabolism, and my
body looks more or less the same whether or not I exercise.
Actually, exercising can cause me problems, because of
how fast my metabolism is. When I would bike a lot in New Haven,
I would go out to eat after biking, order three
full entrees, and leave the restaurant still hungry.
I enjoyed a lot of those bike rides, but long distance road biking
did not actually feel that good or sustainable for me, financially
or calorically. When it comes to exercise, it makes
a lot more sense for me to do a lot less. So I feel sort of shitty
that I don’t exercise these days, but it’s not necessarily
because I’m depressed – it just hasn’t felt like a particularly
good use of my time. For a while I enjoyed biking as a
way of seeing rural Connecticut and deepening my relationship with
John. But I’m not interested in exploring the
San Francisco area in the way that I was interested in exploring
Connecticut. I just want to see a Free Palestine and live in an
affordableconomy with decent buses that take me to restaurants where I can

hang out with my friends and not pay 1/3 of my paycheck for an

appetizer. Biking’s not worth it for me in the
same way that it used to be, and that’s okay. Why would I waste

my time spending lots of time and energy on stuff
that’s no longer fun for me?
Same goes for cooking. I used to enjoy it and find it worthwhile

to spend lots of time and energy making elaborate
meals, but now I’m mostly just interested in getting calories

and nutrients into my body for the minimal effort.
I’m not sure that’s the same thing as being depressed – it’s just

my priorities changing. I’m not a New York Times
wellness influencer. Things are expensive, and spending hours

baking sourdough just isn’t that good a use of my time
these days. I’d rather scarf down a hamburger and get back to

labor organizing, Palestine activism, sleeping,
reading, and scrolling on twitter and instagram. I’m just a human.

I don’t need to have perfect wellness habits.
Fight the capitalist/imperialist system, try to build a more human

world, go back to sleeping, reading and instagram.
For me, that’s a perfectly rational allocation of priorities. 
I guess it’s a really challenging time of changing priorities,

but it’s also necessary.
I just want to say to myself: it’s okay to be less into cooking,

it’s okay to be less into biking. 
I just want to challenge the narrative that being less into

these things means I’m depressed or a
failure or broken or sick. Maybe it’s just my priorities

changing and a changing determination
of what’s worth my energy and what’s not. And that’s a decision

everyone deserves to be able to make.
It’s also true with regards to work. I’ve looked for jobs, but

a lot of jobs just don’t seem particularly worth my time.
Dealing with bosses, bureaucracy, being micromanaged by people

who may or may not know be smarter than me.
Right now, I can afford to work part-time – I like my part-time job,

it’s a cool labor organizing education gig that
I’m pretty excited about. Working full-time just does not seem

to make a lot of sense right now.

Does that make me a failure? Personally, I think that success

is making intelligent decisions regarding

what makes sense for me to do and what does not make sense.

And that can look like a lot of different things based

on different circumstances. And my circumstances are unique. So my decisions and priorities are, too.

P.S. I guess I am really depressed. I'm actually depressed as fuck.

But I think it's more thanvalid to be depressed under the current circumstances of the

world, and I wish more people saw the depression response as

perfectly valid. Instead of trying to fix me, you could

fight alongside me against all the horrible shit that's making

me so depressed. Free Palestine.